So after Reefer Madness: The Musical, I took some time off to watch bad TV, eat sugar, putz around and slowly go crazy bored. Now I am trying to lift myself out of this lifestyle and it's hard. I am an ON or OFF person. I am either in full swing or cannot do a single thing to save my life. Although I feel like my OFF is different than others, While I was on OFF I read a dozen plays, booked two shows, planned a fundraiser, joined the Freestanding Room and worked four jobs. But I still can't get into the full swing of things. Reefer was the first time in my life that I was constantly motivated to work on it. This year with two shows, workshops and a possible summer camp, I have that feeling like I'm-so-overwhelmed-that-I-can't-even-focus-long-enought-to-just-start. I think I need to make a TO-DO list. I also need to get my house in order. Our bathroom was just renovated (MOLD BE GONE!!!) and my house in general is in disarray. I need to clear the clutter in my house to help clear the clutter in my mind! Ok, I'm going to go right NOW! And by now I mean after my episode of 16 and Pregnant ...
So in 20 minutes I will be 27. A good friend of mine told me that it sucked, because you feel like you're getting old, and you start to think about all the shit you haven't done and how there isn't much time left to do them and how you're pretty much one foot in the grave. I, however, feel newborn. I have spent a large portion of my life in fear. All kinds of fear. It has held me back, and always made me feel like I needed more (money, experience, friends, connections) in order to do the things I wanted. Last week I went to New Hampshire. It's small, and near, but I travelled to a new destination. Last month I opened my first musical. It was in a small theatre and I couldn't pay my actors, but I directed and choreographed a great piece of theatre. Last year I launched my theatre company. It was a facebook page at the time and only 60 people came to the party, but I put myself out there and said "This is me. This is what I stand for. This is my company." Fear can prevent or drive. I used to let it stop me. (I did not audititon for 2 years after theatre school, because I felt like if a company saw me and I wasn't 100%, they would never consider me again.) Now when I am faced with that empty-pit-of-the-stomach feeling I say, "What are my choices?" It always boils down to 2-3 choices. A, B, or C. I think about my ultimate goal in life, my mandate/mission, and I choose whatever will help me get there the best. It's the hardest thing in the world to let go of, but if you are going to succeed in life, you need to trash it! I am grateful this Thanksgiving/Birthday weekend for having the tools to turn my fear into... something better. Well, there are only five shows left. It has been such a whirlwind ride from day one to now. Our first shows were half empty and we couldn't get press in to save our lives. Now we are getting glowing reviews, sold out shows and message after message from people, strangers and friends, who love the show. I am really proud of this show, and after the last show, I will never see my baby again. I am sad, but at the same time, I have already started working on the new projects and I hope this is my life from now on. One thing to the next with a couple of days in between for video games and sleep! | How to
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